Monday, March 18

Victory denied by record-breaking VAR check

West Ham 1 Aston Villa 1

It's the third home game in a week at the London Stadium, with a positive crowd after Thursday's 5-0 win. I'm joined by Matt, Lisa, Nigel and Michael's pal Nick, with Michael and Fraser sitting in the stand opposite us. Steve the Cornish Postie makes another cameo appearance having missed the Chopin piano recital in favour of The Play That Goes Wrong during his London sojourn. 

Bailey sets up the in-form Ollie Watkins for a low shot early on that Areola does well to block with his foot and Vila have a hopeful penalty appeal denied after the ball is scooped from close range on to Emerson's hand.

But West Ham set about their task well as Antonio again causes problems. Coufal almost scores, blasting Bowen's cross at Martinez. Villa's love of playing it out from the back is causing them problems and good closing down by Antonio sees West Ham win a throw in. Soucek feeds Coufal out wide and Vlad gets in an excellent cross which Antonio converts with a diving header for his third goal of the season.

West Ham play well against the fourth-placed side and are unlucky when ref Jarred Gillet blows for an infringement just before Kudus puts the ball in the net.

It seems to be two after the break when Martinez misses Bowen's cross and Antonio bundles home. But VAR intervenes as the ball has inadvertently struck Antonio's arm, so it's unlucky but probably the correct decision to disallow it. 

Emery has bought on Cash and Zaniolo, who make a difference as the Brummies start to threaten. Meanwhile the sun emerges as we squint to see the play, while there must be the possibility that the dressed-as-a vampire Unai Emery might turn to dust with too much sunlight. 

Johnson comes on for Antonio, who is still not fit enough to last 90 minutes. The Moyes Out set will see this as a defensive move, though Ben does pretty well in a right-sided role and we know Bowen and Kudus can still threaten as a pair up front. 

Paqueta has a free kick parried by Martinez while Areola has to make a fine stop from Konsa to keep the Hammers in it. But an equaliser has been coming and when Tielemans brushes past Paqueta and gets to the byline to pull back, Zaniolo strokes home the equaliser in the 79th minute.

In the second minute of added time Bowen and Kudus do well to break on the left, Kudus gets in a great pull back and Ward-Prowse's goal-bound shot is denied by a fine block from Cash. 

ALWAYS CRASHING IN THE SAME VAR

In the fifth minute of added time West Ham seem to have won it. Kudus wins a free kick and sub Ward-Prowse delivers a great ball in to the box. Mavropanos gets his head to it and Soucek and Bowen manage to bundle the ball over the line. But VAR again kills the celebrations. 

The VAR check takes a record-breaking five minutes 37 seconds, probably enough time for Michael to read through the folios of his entire body of work and the complete works of Shakespeare. The ref is sent to the monitor and rules it's a handball by Soucek, though even after watching it on TV it still doesn't seem clear. If it takes that long to check then surely it's not a clear and obvious error? That's the fourth handball VAR decision to go against West Ham in the last couple of weeks.

Still, a point against a flying Villa side is not a bad result. We head off to meet Fraser and Michael in the Eagle where St Patrick's Day is in full swing, with Guinness flowing, Sinead and the staff clad in green and When Irish Eyes Are Smiling playing at loud volume. We discuss the sad passing of Steve Harley. Nigel's schoolfriend's dad was once the Cockney Rebel's bank manager in Chelmsford. He suggests the ref today was Mr Soft while VAR certainly failed to make us smile. Though to be positive, on 44 points we could finally be safe. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Coufal 8, Mavropanos 7, Zouma 6, Emerson 6 (Cresswell 6); Alvarez 6, Soucek 6, Paqueta 7 (Ward-Prowse 6); Bowen 6, Antonio 8 (Johnson 6), Kudus 7.

Friday, March 15

More Kudus for Hammers in Europe

West Ham 5 Freiburg 0 (Europa League)

There's something special about these European, erm, afternoons. The fans have done well to get off work early and it's very nearly a full house at the London Stadium for the bizarre 5.45pm kick-off. 

The big team news is Alison and Scott (braving an ACL injury to spectate through the pain barrier) have left retirement in Clacton to join us in their old seats, while Steve the Cornish Postie is up taking in London culture and hopefully delivering my Christmas cards. Making up our party are Nigel, Michael, carrying a mysterious hard-backed envelope, Lisa and Big Sam, who has travelled up from Pontypridd. Fraser and Matt are in the West Stand.

The pre-match build-up sees the usual pyrotechnics with Alison wondering why the flame throwers are in wheelie-bins. West Ham set off with some intent and Antonio is a mobile and quick target man taking the pressure off Kudus and Bowen. The crowd is also up for it, regaling us with "West Ham are Massive".

It's the perfect start after nine minutes. Aaron Cresswell's corner is headed across goal by a diving Tomas Soucek and Lucas Paqueta prods home at the back post. Tie level. Antonio makes a great run into the box and pulls back for Kudus to shoot wide of an inviting goal. After half an hour it's two when Bowen does really well to outmuscle a defender, beat another and fire a low shot past Atubolu.

Freiburg have a spell of possession without really testing Fabianski and it's 2-0 at the break. Things are going so well that Nigel doesn't even need to eat his half-time lucky banana.

The tie is settled when the ball falls to Cresswell on the edge of the box, he takes a touch, and fire a powerful left-foot shot onto the corner. It's a hugely popular goal and Cressy is mobbed by team-mates in the corner as he celebrates his first goal in two years. He's done really well while Emerson is injured and looks rejuvenated after a spell on the bench. "We know what we are! Champions of Europe!" sing the crowd. 

WE KNOW WHAT WE ARE!

Alvarez heads just wide from Coufal's cross but the Hammers aren't to be denied. Mohammed Kudus picks up the ball halfway inside his own half, glides past three defenders and scores a brilliant solo goal from the edge of the area. He then picks up a plastic stool and has a deserved sit-down. What an effort and Mo's first goal since returning from Africa. 

It's five when Bowen's short ball finds Kudus who fires another thumping effort into the corner. We've made the team that is sixth in the Bundesliga look pretty ordinary. 'Moyes In' anyone?

There's still time for sub Danny Ings to play in Coufal, whose effort is deflected just wide by Atubolo and George Earthy to make his debut as a late sub. It's rare to have experienced such a comfortable evening in European football and it's also West Ham record win in Europe.

We head off to the Eagle to meet Matt and Fraser. Nigel is looking forward to going to the local derby that is Hornchurch versus Billericay, while Matt reveals that Hornchurch's nickname is the Dickensian sounding, "The Urchins". In fact Matt is on fire with trivia, revealing that Truro have had to play a home game at Gloucester City, just in case we were interested. Big Sam also tells us that Pontypridd FC have been deducted a record number of points in the Welsh league. In other news West Ham have won 5-0.

So it's Bayer Lerverkusen next as the Hammers reach a quarter final for the third successive season in Europe. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Coufal 7, Zouma 6, Mavropanos 6, Cresswell 7; Alvarez 7 (Phillips n/a), Soucek 7, Paqueta 7 (Ward-Prowse 6); Kudus 9 (Ings n/a), Antonio 8 (Johnson n/a), Bowen 8 (Earthy n/a).

Monday, March 11

Ings can only get better!

West Ham 2 Burnley 2

"The rain it falleth every day," as the Great Bard of Stratford might say, but that's enough about Michael the Playwright. Hackney Wick is very wet indeed and it's poor conditions for football as West Ham play a sodden bad first half against struggling Burnley. I'm joined in the stadium by Nigel, CQ, Michael and Lisa, while Matt and Fraser are under the scoreboard near the away fans ready to launch a pitch invasion should we lose 3-0 at home to Burnley.

The Clarets take the lead after 11 minutes. The lively Fofana gets a ricochet off Aguerd, glides past Phillips and fires home a stunning long-range effort into the top corner. West Ham look strangely jaded after their European trip and toil without much intensity. We don't test Trafford at all and in added time Josh Cullen's cross is prodded over his own line by a stretching Mavropanos. "How shit must you be we're winning away?" chant the small contingent of away fans as the home side are booed off. 

At half time we're joined by The Gav and his joint Hammers and Orient season-ticket holding pal Mike. After some debate we elect to unleash the power of Nigel's lucky banana by getting him to eat it in the concourse. 

Moyes also takes decisive action, taking off the toiling Phillips and Ward-Prowse and bringing on Antonio and Alvarez. The improvement is immediate. Thirty seconds into the half Paqueta gets past a challenge from Assignon and ruins at goal to calmly slot past Trafford. Game on and the crowd at last get going.  

Suddenly West Ham play with passion and Antonio provides a focal point in attack. From Cresswell's corner Bowen's goalbound shot is blocked by Paqueta's body. Kudus does well to cut inside only to slip and fire over a gaping goal. Coufal's cross is deflected on to the Burnley bar. We predict that it's going to be one of those games where we'll do everything but score. 

Michael sagely suggests that when we're dominating possession it might be an idea to bring on a predator like Danny Ings. Moyes then decides to throw the metaphorical kitchen sink at Burnley, bringing on Ings in the 82nd minute. 

"Ings can only get wetter," suggests Nigel as the rain continues to fall. Antonio wins a header and Ings prods home, only to be denied by VAR. The lines are ridiculously tight and it seems to be guesswork that Antonio is offside by a shoulder.

It's a cracking half of football with four strikers on the pitch, surely providing the chaotic entertainment the Moyes Out fans have been demanding. Trafford winds up the crowd by time wasting at every goal kick and Lisa pleads "No, Pacqsy!" as Lucas is booked for retaliation after another heavy tackle from Burnley. 

OH DANNY BOY

We move into eight minutes of added time. West Ham have played like a different team in the second half. Just as I'm wondering why do we put ourselves through this, Ings controls with his back to goal and spins to score a fine poacher's goal and his first of the season. 

Berge then fires just over for Burnley. Antonio rolls the ball across the box but no-one can prod it home. Blimey. Danny Ings, who looks rejuvenated, fires another great effort against the bar.

With a minute or so left Berge's arms are raised and he heads the ball against his hands. Bizarrely neither the ref or VAR give a penalty for the second time in three days. There's still time for Burnley to almost snatch the points as Areola parries Fofana's cross and then has to dive to deny Brownhill, before the whistle finally goes. 

Hard to know what to make of this, a poor first half followed by a great second half. On another day WHU could have won this 5-3 and Danny Ings could have scored a hat-trick.

Gavin heads off to buy a West Ham T Rex for Lizzie from the club shop, as she wasn't happy with the last game's triceratops. We march through the downpour to the Eagle, where we're joined by Fraser and Matt. Nigel and CQ have a Cuban cigar for Fraser and we learn that Nigel and Gavin are soon to see Judas Priest. While Michael has been hanging out with Bananarama at HMV, which is really saying something. Sinead keeps us stocked with East London Pale Ale as Liverpool and Man City draw on the box. A disappointing result for the Irons, but you can't argue with the entertainment value. Now we need the side that played in the second half to turn up against Freiburg.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Coufal 6, Mavropanos 5, Aguerd 5, Cresswell 6; Phillips 4 (Alvarez 6) (Ings 9), Soucek 6, Ward-Prowse 5 (Antonio 7), Paqueta 7; Bowen 6, Kudus 7.

Friday, March 8

Reffing hell: Hammers lose out in Germany

Freiburg 1 West Ham 0 (Europa League)

Sat this one out at home with TNT, Michael Owen and Steve Sidwell (where are the Cole brothers?). The Hammers looked to have the game under reasonable control in the first half. Freiburg sent a one-on-one chance straight at Fabianski and then Bowen mistimed his volley after a fine cross from Kudus.

West Ham showed more intensity in the second half with Kudus getting a shot off straight away. A series of chances follow. Bowen forces a fine fingertip save from Atubolu, Paqueta misses a great headed chance from an inviting Kudus cross and Mavropanos heads against the outside of the post from a corner.

But missed chances came back to haunt the Hammers with nine minutes left. Alvarez plays a loose ball and Freiburg break quickly. A miscued shot from Sallai comes across the box, Zouma has lost his man, and Gregoritsch taps home.

The Irons look to have salvaged something in the last minute of added time when Weisshaupt handles in the box under pressure from Soucek. After four minute of VAR deliberation the ref is sent to the monitor which always means he'll give a penalty. Except this ref doesn't, even though the defender's arm is up high in an unnatural position. And he doesn't give a free kick so can't think Soucek has fouled his man. Infamy, infamy...

It's been a half-decent performance apart from the missed chances at an intimidating venue  and Freiburg don't show a lot to scare us. A one-goal defeat in the first leg isn't a disaster even though we should have at least drawn, though the Hammers' finishing will have to improve next week. 

Sunday, March 3

Soucek stunner earns smash and grab win for Hammers

Everton 1 West Ham 3

It's rather a nervous two hours in front of BBC Sport's live text for this one. In a bid to provide blog colour Matt is at a Faroese theatre production, Nigel is at Wrexham versus Accrington where Reg is completing his 92 League grounds, Michael is promoting his play in deepest Worthing and Fraser is watching on his Moyesian fluid link.

Areola produces a good save from Beto in the first half, but it all seems to be going wrong before the break when Zouma rather unluckily concedes a penalty for a point blank handball. Beto opts to take it, but Areola makes a smart save to his left to defy the Everton striker.

We go in level at the break but a familiar away defeat seems to beckon when Garner plays in a great curling cross and Beto gets beyond Dinos to head home. After Mavropanos loses possession Areola then has to make a fantastic save from McNeil, somehow holding the winger's close-range effort.

But the Hammers are suddenly level on 62 minutes. Kudus' shot is deflected for a corner. James Ward-Prowse curls in his usual pinpoint delivery and King Kurt rises to head home. Zouma declines to celebrate against his former club.

Desperate Everton still press. Areola has to make his best save of the day, tipping over a deflected effort from Beto. Soucek has to clear Doucoure's effort off the line. This is gritty stuff from the Hammers and Areola next defies Calvert-Lewin's low effort. Phillips comes on for Ward-Prowse and manages not to give anything away.

The game is a minute into added time when Kudus crosses from the left. Tomas Soucek chests it down and then sends a sensational effort into the top corner with the outside of his boot. What a goal. Tomas whips off his shirt, does a twirl, and looks like he's going to celebrate with double potato salad. It was also pleasing to see Kalvin Phillips involved in the initial move to feed Kudus. 

"West Ham are Massive!" sing the away fans as West Ham break from an Everton corner in the 95th minutes. Bowen runs the length of the pitch and feeds Alvarez, who chips expertly over Pickford. Wow.

This never looked like being a 3-1 away win, but it's a great resilient performance from West Ham, inspired by Areola. And It's pleasing to see Moyes silence with doubters with two wins and seven goals in a week. This result will be a real boost for the trip to Freiburg. Irons!

Thursday, February 29

Oh, Said Benrahma

My pal Matt points out that Said Benrahma scored the winner for Lyon against Metz last week, which is one more goal than he's scored for WHU this season. Said is still only out on loan, but will surely move on in the summer. He's been a frustrating player at West Ham overall, always on the verge of  greatness but never quite getting there. He actually had a decent season last time round and had he not hit the post several times could have ended up with a lot more goals. Though he did score 12 times, six of them penalties in 2022-23.

When he first arrived he seemed to pass when he should shoot and shoot when he should pass. He improved after scoring a cracking first goal against Brighton, though at times seemed to have perfected the art of shooting just wide. Still, he left us some good memories, such as his penalty in the Europa Conference Final and embarrassing David De Gea when we beat Man United, plus a lot of assists. This season he seemed way off form, not helped by Moyes never really trusting him. That sending off at Bristol City was a sad final act as a West Ham player. At 28 Benrahma still has a lot to prove, but there's definitely a player in there and the French Ligue 1 may suit him.

Tuesday, February 27

Hat-trick hero Bowen blasts Bees

West Ham United 4 (four) Brentford 2

It's off to the Best Meze Cafe where Matt is possibly having himself in a yellow hoodie drinking red wine and eating halloumi mushrooms. After my hasty falafel and chips, purchased for the price of a small house, we head to the London Stadium. We're joined by Nigel and CQ back from watching Havana Clue FC in Cuba, newly-Welsh-resident Big Sam and Charlton Iron Gavin.

West Ham start with intensity, which is a shock, and the crowd are getting behind the side, suggesting the reported anti-Moyes sentiment might have been a little exaggerated. 

The return of Paqueta gives the whole side a boost and his partnership with Emerson and ability to keep the ball soon has the crowd purring. Ward-Prowse nods on Coufal's cross and Soucek fires a great chance over the bar.

It's the perfect start after five minutes. Ward-Prowse finds the overlapping Emerson who plays the ball inside to Bowen. Jarrod takes a touch to control and fires home a left-foot shot with the outside of his boot. A great finish. The relief is palpable after three goalless games and it's Jarrod's first goal since returning from injury.

Two minutes later Soucek picks up a loose ball to feed Bowen. He finds Kudus, who plays in Coufal on the right. Vlad's low cross is turned in by Bowen for a lovely team goal. What sort of thing is happening here?

Though this being West Ham the Irons lose the ball in midfield, Lewis-Potter gets between Zouma and Enerson to play in Maupay. Mavropanos isn't close enough to the striker and the man who always scores against us chips home. Three goals in thirteen minutes. 

West Ham have a good half, with Paqueta having a couple of chances, Kudus testing Flekken and then firing wide after a storming run. Mo looks in the mood and Reguilon is booked for a cynical foul. 

At half-time I dispense ny five copies of Massive smuggled past security, three for Gavin, one for Nigel and one for Fraser's mate Keith. The consensus is it's too delicately poised for Nigel to eat his lucky banana. 

FOREVER BOWEN'S BUBBLES

Brentford have a lot of possession at the start of the second half, but Mavropanos, in for Aguerd, impresses with some fine crunching tackles and interceptions, while Zouma wins a lot in the air. The Hammers' best outlet is Kudus. On 63 minutes Mo gets away on the left, bamboozles Reguilon, and dinks a cross in for Bowen to head home. That's Jarrod's first ever hat-trick after 16 career doubles. He runs to the Bobby Moore Stand brandishing three fingers. That's 17 goals this season for the ignited Bowen, and 14 in the league.

"Champions of Europe we know what we are!" rings around the stadium after a dismal start to 2024. Areola has to make a fine low stop to deny Onyeka. But Kudus gets another cross in which is headed out to Emerson on the edge ofd the box. The progressive left-back fires home a fantastic shot into the top corner. Best goal of the night.

"West Ham are massive!" sings the crowd. Paqueueta gets an ovation when he is sensibly replaced by Antonio. Though on 82 minutes poor concentration allows Wissa to fire home a fine finish from the edge of the area. Areola has to make two excellent saves, including a brilliant one-handed parry from Toney's header. But West Ham hold on for a deserved three points. Moyes does tend to win these must-win games and we go back up to eighth.

After the match Gavin has to dash off to the shop to buy a WHU stegosaurus for Lizzie (please insert your own Moyes dinosaur jokes here). The rest of us head off to the Eagle to meet the crocked Fraser who has been in the wheelchair section with Sinead and rather enjoyed this feast of Moyesball in a six-goal thriller. It's Tayto crisps and East London Pale Ale before a late night dash to Maryland and the Elizabeth line. This was a very welcome result and a much better performance taking WHU to 39 points. One more point and we're safe. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 8; Coufal 7, Mavropanos 7, Zouma 7, Emerson 8; Soucek 7, Alvarez 6, Ward-Prowse 7, Paqueta 7 (Antonio 6); Bowen 9, Kudus 8 (Johnson n/a).